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This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old