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Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Shoo shoo! 😂
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.