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If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Basically.
