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I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*