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love it when they get my name right
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
*checks Timeline*…
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
IT’S-A ME,
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
spot the difference
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.