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Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Accurate
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?