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Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.