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My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]
Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one
I just ran a .003048K
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book