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My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
It’s the weekend y’all
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]