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*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Storm Tropical Storm
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.