You Might Also Like
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Boom, boom, ching!
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.