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I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm