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“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.