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I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.