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I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Finally a use for spoilers…
