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Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Mmmm canned fish.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.