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BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
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Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
as is their right
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