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Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?