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A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”
anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine
how to have an accident 101
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
j o i m p
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock