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My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly