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Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Its a hippotatomus
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them