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Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Yup
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”