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water it, i dare you
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
work smarter, not harder
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside