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My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
why am I working on Labor Day
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
🙅🏻
