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me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Just added something to my bucket list.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard