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So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
sigh
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.