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I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
.. do you even science?
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Please do it!
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Don’t make me out nice you.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE