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Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
My boss told me to do something for myself today so I went home and installed a bidet.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
yeah no that’s fair
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.