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when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.