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People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Can Happiness buy money?
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
me adding lol on a serious message
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.