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Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.