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last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened