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I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Mad Max Arctic Road
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes