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My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle