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ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
At least my masseuse has my back.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
This is painfully accurate 😅
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich