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Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
not seeing the problem
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.