You Might Also Like
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.