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[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
want me to check your oil?
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”