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Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.