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When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
But I really needed water water water
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine