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It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
My Plans 2020
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes