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ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.