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*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.
I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser