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Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
my dad has had enough
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Thank you 🥹
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee