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Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?