You Might Also Like
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
When I sing in the shower the water turns cold
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
THE DOG😭😭💀
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Does your wife know you’re single?
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?