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Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Thaw me like one of your french fries
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Art by Pastelkatto
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.
Store clerk: Scotch?
Me: Even better.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Some call it flirting…. I call it just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive…
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
yea so i messed up lol
🤷♀️
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.