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Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I think about this cartoon a lot.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
*puts words between two asterisks*
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.