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If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
11: dad I have a confession
me: oh boy. What.
11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time
me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?
9: I paid him off in nachos
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.