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Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”