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Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Wolves should really raise more people.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.