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HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Living the best life.. 😊
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
doing your own taxes
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*