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Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
True.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Why is no one talking about this?!
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”