You Might Also Like
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
My current situation
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.