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Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
and this one
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test