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Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Selfie
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense