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He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I cannot stop laughing at this
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.