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me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I’m not lazy
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.