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Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.