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If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I might give this a try 😏
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Van Gone
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.