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Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Very good! 👍😂
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat