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I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
can’t believe I got front row seats
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire