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[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
That took me a moment.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.