You Might Also Like
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit