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what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.