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They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
a McRib killed my tapeworm
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians