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Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
nyc:
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I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care