You Might Also Like
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
People should also put up “NEW CAT” posters around the neighborhood so it’s not all just bad news
mood
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.