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Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
This is me
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”