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she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: