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If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
water it, i dare you
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?