You Might Also Like
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.