You Might Also Like
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
This is my bus stop.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
just having fun
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.