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I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I feel like Daft Punk’s “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger” describes how a woman’s chin hair grows back.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.